Crushed

By , August 12, 2005

My first crush came when I was about 10 or 11 years old, which would put me in the 5th or 6th grade. Her name was Heather, and I can’t really recall much else about her beyond that. But at the time I thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course, since I wasn’t a popular kid by any stretch, I never did anything about it other than silently admire her from afar. Our sole interaction came in a class project during which her hands became messy with some sort of clay or paste. She asked me to roll her sleeves up for her, as my hands were clean. It was the highlight of my week, but for her it was surely just the dorky kid doing her a meaningless favor.

I’d like to think that as I’ve aged I’ve become more sophisticated, or at least more able to express my feelings to members of the opposite sex, but that moment has pretty much repeated itself with every crush I’ve had since then. From age 10 on into adulthood I periodically crushed on various girls, never finding a way to express my feelings. I usually found myself in the role of the uncool outcast with whom they would not associate. When I was able to initiate a relationship, I seemed forever relegated to the role of the platonic friend who occasionally does a meaningless favor.

All the ridiculing and teasing, ostracization, and outright abuse was painful of course, but for the most part it rolled off my back like water from a duck. I didn’t have enough of an emotional investment in anyone to give them the ability to truly hurt me. But that eventually changed. I met Fizzy.

We spent nearly two years courting one another before we became a couple. After that came a long period of absolute bliss, and without a doubt the happiest time of my life. For the first time I was content and confident about my future. My older blogs are peppered with tales of happiness and love, and even a cursory glance at my older posts demonstrates how important she was to me. In short, Fizzy turned my world around. I dropped my guard completely, and let myself love and trust her unconditionally. Had someone asked me six months ago if she would ever lie to me or hurt me on purpose, I’d have staked my life that she wouldn’t. I knew that the same way I knew the sky is blue…she was my absolute in a world full of uncertainty. Or so I thought.

Now I don’t know what to think, because I don’t know where she is. I mentioned last time that I have it on good authority that she is not dead, but beyond that– I have no idea where she is or why she left. I hope she isn’t sick, or hurt, or in jail, or… well, I could go on forever. I really don’t know what happened, but the more that time passes, the more I am starting to realize that she isn’t in any sort of trouble, she’s just gone.

I never saw any of this coming. I didn’t even acknowledge the risk I ran by putting such faith in her, because it seemed so impossible that she could betray that trust. That only made it worse when she did, because I realized that so many years of my life were devoted to someone I wrongly believed cared about me enough to be honest and fair with me when it mattered most. I don’t pretend to have been perfect by any stretch, but I was a devoted, honest, and caring boyfriend/fiance. Am I wrong to think I deserve some sort of closure?

Still, there is something sadly liberating about having had my heart so thoroughly destroyed by Fizzy. I realize now that *anyone* can betray you, and as such I shan’t be betrayed again because I simply won’t trust again. I can’t. She has left me utterly unable to ever trust or love anyone the same way. And while I may never completely heal, I will eventually get past this pain. And then I will never, ever feel this way again, because I just won’t be emotionally capable of giving another person the power to do this to me. See what I mean? Sad, but liberating.

But first I have to get past this pain. And it seems every day I am, one tear at a time.

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10 Responses to “Crushed”

  1. I feel as if I should offer my condolences (sp? sorry it is 3 am and my brain’s spell checker is malfunctioning). My last break up (over a year ago and we had only dated for a year so you’d think I’d be over it by now) left me feeling like I would never love again. It wasn’t out of fear of getting hurt that I felt this way, but rather like my heart just ceased to exist after we broke up. Lately I have it fluttering around in there, but it’s murmur is softer than it once was. I forget what my point was but basically I think I know what you are going through.

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  2. Lottiefemme says:

    Pick up a sword…fight your way back. Flirt, make art, sing. Find something more important to you than your broken heart, and when you find someone who finds that important too, it will work. But it’s always a fight, so keep the sword.

    I like your bunny.

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    Peasprout Reply:

    @Lottiefemme, I’m glad you like my bunny. Feed her a carrot, please.

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  3. Dos Mangoes says:

    “Having said all of that, there is something sadly liberating about having had my heart so thoroughly destroyed by Fizzy.”

    you were destroyed, and part of you was still alive…

    now you know …you are that living one

    the sadness is a realization

    you have spent so long searching outside your self

    for

    The presence within

    ~Yes

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  4. Everyone has that person in their life…someone who they give everything to only to see it betrayed. The next person you date pays for it, and the cycle keeps going. Sucks…but that’s life.

    Song that makes me sad is “Black” by Pearl Jam, and Elvis Costello’s “Alison”.

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    Huerter0 Reply:

    @AtlAsianFilmmaker, Oo, “Black” is a good one. Especially for this situation.

    It’s always a leap, but it’s almost equally dangerous to never trust someone again. Never say never, I say.

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  5. you’re bringing me down, man! but everything was well said and even though i only know you by your xanga entries, you strike me as a good peasprout. now pleaseeeeeee start posting happier song lists or i’ll kill myself. thank you.

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  6. I saw the Skeleton Key. It was not at all scarey, but still pretty decent for a summer horror/thriller. I really want to see The Constant Gardner. I love the movies, especially in the summer. There is something about going into the dark cool theater for a few hours during the scorching heat that is just such a nice escape.

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  7. trace310 says:

    time will heal your pain. =(

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  8. jpholl10 says:

    I’ve found that the heartbreak along the way truly helps you recognize the truest ones. (I got here from Boost, your post touched me.)

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