Dreaming

By , February 15, 2004

Dream dream, even for a little while
Dream dream, filling up an idle hour
Fade away, radiate.
I sit by and watch the river flow
I sit by and watch the traffic go
Imagine something of your very own
Something you can have and hold
I’d build a road in gold
Just to have some dreaming
Dreaming is free

Years ago, I used to sneak out late at night and climb onto the rooftops of the tallest buildings I could find, just to sit and stare at the near-empty city below me. Everything I knew to be broken or dirty at surface level took on a feeling of newness when seen from afar; especially when basked in moonlight. It was on those rooftops, so long ago, where I first began to understand myself as an individual, and to wrestle with the notion of my mortality and how to make the best use of whatever brief time was allotted me on earth.

I had very little going for me at the time– I had few friends, my family was very poor, I’d never had a girlfriend, and I had no clear picture of what I was to do with my life. What ambitions, goals, and dreams I had then were simple and not very well-articulated, and although on some level I believed in my ability to achieve them, that belief was vague, and I never knew for sure if it was justified.

I’ve grown up a lot since then. I’m no longer the unpopular, awkward kid shunned by his peers, nor must I hoard pennies and nickels in an attempt to come up with enough money to buy something to eat; I’ve even kissed a girl or two. More significantly, the dreams and fantasies of childhood have given way to the realities of an adult life. But still I remember those nights, waiting for the sunrise with my head full of hopes, fears, and questions; I still remember my dreams.

Some people value money or success before all else, and only with an unlimited bankroll can they truly say they have “made it.” Others measure their success by how true they are to their spiritual beliefs, or through devotion to their family. My chief dream, the one I thought of most, and hoped would be fulfilled more than any other, was that I would one day find true love. Though I probably could not have verbalized it, I think that even at an early age I subconsciously knew that everything else I found myself wishing for would fall into place were I in love.

If ever I saw anything more than cheese in the moon above me, it was the disembodied face of an unknown girl I would one day love. For years she remained just that and nothing more, an abstract construct of my mind, and eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I’d never find her. I’d instead aspire to a fulfilling life of intellectual pursuits and artistic endeavors. Then, once I’d stopped looking, I found her.

When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept,
for there were no more worlds left to conquer.

What do you do when one day you wake up and realize all of your dreams have become reality? While I’m not sure I have conquered anyone or anything, if I wept, mine would be tears of joy. I make more money than I need doing a job I enjoy– a job that brings happiness into the lives of other people, and affords me the opportunity to give work and money to those who need it. Moreover, I have ample free time to indulge whatever whimsical, philanthropic notion that may pop into my admittedly eccentric mind, be it driving around offering rides to strangers, sending wedding gifts to people chosen at random from Macy’s wedding gift registry computer (actually Fizzy’s idea, that one), or even just normal volunteer work at the local food bank.

Above all else, the most important dream of them all came true. I’m in love with a best friend who loves me back.

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24 Responses to “Dreaming”

  1. I want to cry tears too but because no one writes about me the way you write here.

    [Reply]

    Peasprout Reply:

    @Luscious Lips, ummm…. you blocked me from your blog?

    [Reply]

  2. You verbalize what you feel so well, and what you write reads almost like poetry (and not the song lyric quote!). eProps galore!

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  3. clubdiva007 says:

    Dreams can come true?

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  4. Pure Fun says:

    i once blocked the guy i was seeing’s site by accident. I don’t know how it happened. But he found out and got really pissed. So maybe Luscious Lips didn’t really mean it

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  5. CHiTaLiaNO says:

    Film Noir huh?…did u ever see Sorry, Wrong Number?…i hear that it’s pretty good, but i never watched it…hmmm, if u ever do it, or hav seen it, tell me about it *wink*…

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  6. I’ve blocked the Xanga user ‘undo_yourself’ for spamming in my comments and apprently everybodie elses. Stuff like that is just plain annoying

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  7. jujubee218 says:

    i really like this post, but your comment to mine, was that sarcasm? well either way, its from trainspotting

    [Reply]

  8. YukiTonbo says:

    oh oh oh…i remember now, there is an asian song that used the same melody….at least part of it

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  9. Auriale says:

    Thanks, lol things have been looking up for me such that I really haven’t had so much time to update. Tihehe….Anyhow, I guess blocking is a new function and I hadn’t heard that before. Now if only cell phones could differentiate and add up anytime vs night/weekend minutes, then no one would go over.

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  10. Fizzy Pop says:

    You are going to give your girlfriend a big head if you aren’t careful.

    [Reply]

    Peasprout Reply:

    @Fizzy Pop, I know! I take it all back. It was the afterglow of Valentine’s Day affecting my better judgement!

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  11. ThursdayNext says:

    Nice usage of the quote about Alexander. Where did you find that?

    [Reply]

    Peasprout Reply:

    @ThursdayNext, It’s a modern rephrasing of something that I think originates with Plutarch, where he writes of Alexander crying when Anaxarchus spoke of worlds beyond our own. Alexander reportedly said, “there are so many worlds, and I have not yet conquered even one.” Slightly different meaning there, and not as applicable to the topic at hand, so I went with the modern interpretation.

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  12. shadowluv says:

    I didn’t even know we COULD block people here.

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  13. I didn’t knw u cld blck either … I mite hve to rmbr tht trick ! Go Cal? Go Warriors ! Way to turn bball into a REAL contact sport !! ;) ~PK

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  14. i haven’t blocked anyone on xanga yet, but who knows what’s gonna happen in the future. some people can be annoying.

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  15. stelladoro says:

    hi peasprout – thanks for the compliment – i took that picture a few months back at my cubicle. let’s just say i wasn’t too busy back then :)

    even though your post ends on a happy note, for some reason it makes me sad . it has such a wistful tone

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  16. Dude. Inquiring minds rlly wnna knw. Post for Cal Alumni’s sake ! POST !! ;) ~PK

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  17. Idle Beth says:

    I “like” how most people didn’t even comment on what you wrote. Anyway, you are such a good writer and able to express yourself so well in your writing. I am so jealous. Also, Fizzy was obviously insane.

    [Reply]

    Peasprout Reply:

    @Idle Beth, Between people responding to comments I left on their blogs, and those responding to the blocked-user thread, it does get a little off-topic, doesn’t it? Thanks, too, for such flattering words. I re-read these old blogs and sometimes cringe at how I used to write (though I doubt I’m any better today).

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    Idle Beth Reply:

    @Peasprout, please. You were better 5 years ago than I am now. I used to be a good writer. Now I am a lobotomized monkey since working at a law firm. You need to write a book. You really do! I have never read Dave Sedaris (refuse to) but I am sure you could blow his crap out of the water.

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  18. How lovely you are, and what beautiful thoughts you possess. What can I possibly say to show the scope of how much I adore this?

    Exhibit A: My love of your dream is this wide
    < ---------------------------------- >

    Exhibit B: My ability to maintain composure while reading this is this much
    < ->

    [Reply]

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