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My first crush came when I was about 10 or 11 years old, which would put me in the 5th or 6th grade. Her name was Heather, and I can’t really recall much else about her beyond that. But at the time I thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Of course, since I wasn’t a popular kid by any stretch, I never did anything about it other than silently admire her from afar. Our sole interaction came in a class project during which her hands became messy with some sort of clay or paste. She asked me to roll her sleeves up for her, as my hands were clean. It was the highlight of my week, but for her it was surely just the dorky kid doing her a meaningless favor.

I’d like to think that as I’ve aged I’ve become more sophisticated, or at least more able to express my feelings to members of the opposite sex, but that moment has pretty much repeated itself with every crush I’ve had since then. From age 10 on into adulthood I periodically crushed on various girls, never finding a way to express my feelings. I usually found myself in the role of the uncool outcast with whom they would not associate. When I was able to initiate a relationship, I seemed forever relegated to the role of the platonic friend who occasionally does a meaningless favor.

All the ridiculing and teasing, ostracization, and outright abuse was painful of course, but for the most part it rolled off my back like water from a duck. I didn’t have enough of an emotional investment in anyone to give them the ability to truly hurt me. But that eventually changed. I met Fizzy.

We spent nearly two years courting one another before we became a couple. After that came a long period of absolute bliss, and without a doubt the happiest time of my life. For the first time I was content and confident about my future. My older blogs are peppered with tales of happiness and love, and even a cursory glance at my older posts demonstrates how important she was to me. In short, Fizzy turned my world around. I dropped my guard completely, and let myself love and trust her unconditionally. Had someone asked me six months ago if she would ever lie to me or hurt me on purpose, I’d have staked my life that she wouldn’t. I knew that the same way I knew the sky is blue…she was my absolute in a world full of uncertainty. Or so I thought.

Now I don’t know what to think, because I don’t know where she is. I mentioned last time that I have it on good authority that she is not dead, but beyond that– I have no idea where she is or why she left. I hope she isn’t sick, or hurt, or in jail, or… well, I could go on forever. I really don’t know what happened, but the more that time passes, the more I am starting to realize that she isn’t in any sort of trouble, she’s just gone.

I never saw any of this coming. I didn’t even acknowledge the risk I ran by putting such faith in her, because it seemed so impossible that she could betray that trust. That only made it worse when she did, because I realized that so many years of my life were devoted to someone I wrongly believed cared about me enough to be honest and fair with me when it mattered most. I don’t pretend to have been perfect by any stretch, but I was a devoted, honest, and caring boyfriend/fiance. Am I wrong to think I deserve some sort of closure?

Still, there is something sadly liberating about having had my heart so thoroughly destroyed by Fizzy. I realize now that *anyone* can betray you, and as such I shan’t be betrayed again because I simply won’t trust again. I can’t. She has left me utterly unable to ever trust or love anyone the same way. And while I may never completely heal, I will eventually get past this pain. And then I will never, ever feel this way again, because I just won’t be emotionally capable of giving another person the power to do this to me. See what I mean? Sad, but liberating.

But first I have to get past this pain. And it seems every day I am, one tear at a time.

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Most afternoons during lunch I read the San Francisco Chronicle. Most likely because today is Valentine’s Day, today’s business section focused on the phenomenon of online dating. I was amazed to read that millions of people worldwide are turning to internet dating sites in hopes of finding love. I won’t lie– I laughed when I read that; then I stopped to ponder the more serious aspects of such a thing.

My first thought was that the most desirable people are not searching for their mates online. Online dating is something of a last resort– nobody starts there; people only turn to the internet when they find their physical appearance and/ or social skills are not such that they are able to find partners in the real world. More than that, people with interesting and fulfilling lives are out living them, not sitting in front of a computer searching for like-minded soul mates. Someone worth dating, and possibly even marrying, isn’t going to be so desperate for love that they run personal ads online. Such people have too many suitors as it is– they certainly aren’t going to waste their time trying to find any more on the internet.

Someone searching for matches online is basically dredging the bottom of the dating pool in hopes of landing a passable catch. Meanwhile, plenty of interesting, active people are coming and going every day, people our internet daters could pursue. Instead, they interact online with the other people who likely share the same common traits: a lack of self-confidence, an inability to make social contact in face-to-face situations, an addiction to the internet, and a willingness to settle for less than the best; in short: hardly an ideal mate.

Just today, while walking to my aforementioned lunch, I encountered a girl standing next to me at a crosswalk. It was raining, and she had no umbrella. I only saw the back of her head at first, but on reflex I shielded her with my umbrella. She was polite and thankful, and we walked the next block together until I arrived at my chosen luncheon spot (La Fiesta). During that block walk we chatted a bit. As it turned out the front of her head was even cuter than the back of it, and were I single and looking for a date or a girlfriend or what have you, I’d have asked her for her phone number. I relate that story to illustrate only the most recent opportunity I had to meet someone, but that’s neither here nor there. What matters is the moral to the story: there is no shortage of fun, attractive, single people in this world. Said moral leads nicely into Today’s Question: Why would anyone sift through the anonymous, unwanted masses online when a world full of real, live, desirable people is just outside his or her door?

The Chronicle article had all manner of losers at the bottom of the page relating their online dating horror stories. One poor fellow admitted that he flew all the way to Thailand, only to find that his soul mate was dating multiple men she had met online. Oddly, this seemed to surprise him. You’d think anyone willing to fly to Thailand of all places just to meet a woman would be used to facing such disappointments and embarrassments on a daily basis.