By , December 27, 2005

I wasn’t going to post this. I wrote it, and decided it was much too personal to share in a blog. But I did share it with a friend, and she responded with her thoughts on the matter, and her own experiences. Other friends have shared their versions of the story, and when it comes down to it I think what I have learned from all this is the true nature of love. When someone falls in love– truly, honestly falls in love, it’s forever. There is no undoing it or going back. The love becomes a permanent part of that person. When both people fall that way, it works. When only one does, he spends the rest of his life trying to forget something that can’t be forgotten. And so:

At some point years ago I realized I was going to love Sue for the rest of my life, and now that I’m no longer supposed to do so, I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to shut off those feelings. I know she’s gone, and never coming back, but my heart still belongs to her. It’s been over nine months now. For many months I didn’t know where she was, or if she was even alive. By now it has become clear that she decided to vanish one day, and couldn’t be bothered with saying goodbye to me. I also know that wherever she is, she isn’t thinking about me, yet once again I am sitting here missing her, just like every single other day since she left.

Every time I promised to love her for the rest of my life, I meant it. I don’t say such things lightly. She is the only girl with whom I’ve ever fallen in love. It was a gradual process. By the time I first told her I loved her, we’d known one another for nearly two years, and I was already hopelessly in love. Over the next five years, every time I promised my love to her, I absolutely meant it, and every time, I felt it even stronger than before. There were times that I held her in my arms so tightly that it felt like we were one person. I’d sometimes feel so much emotion that my body would tremble; I’d honestly feel so much love inside that I would literally shake on the outside. I’d never experienced anything remotely similar to that in the past, and I doubt I ever will again.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t break promises to people. I just don’t. If I promise I will do something, I always do it. Now I am faced with the fact that I am supposed to break all the promises I made to her over the years. I don’t know how to do this. I can lie to myself and pretend I don’t love her, or that I never did, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do. I meant what I said to her. I really will love her for the rest of my life. It’s unfortunate that she has left me, but that really doesn’t change anything, does it? My promises, like my love for her, were unconditional.

I’ve tried dating. It feels wrong. I feel like I am cheating on her. Which makes no sense, because she is long gone and not coming back, but I still feel the way I imagine a person cheating on his girlfriend must feel. I met someone wonderful recently, and by all rights, I should be focusing on her, even though the circumstances surrounding her point to another doomed love affair; I should at least be able to find out.

I need to fall out of love with Fizzy first, and that just isn’t happening. It doesn’t help that the last time we spoke, the last thing she said to me was “I love you.” She once promised that no matter what happened, how she felt, or how hard it was, if she ever thought what we had was finished, she would tell me so. She broke her other promises to me, and she seems to have lied to me about many things, so I shouldn’t be surprised that she was lying when she said that to me, but there is still some stupid part of me that believes in her. And every time I try to start over with someone new, it just feels wrong, because I’m still waiting for someone who is never coming back, and I’m still in love with someone who stopped loving me a long time ago.


10 Responses to “Promises”

  1. sounds like you’ve had a crap holiday. may the new year bring good stuff. think: cary grant.


  2. I stumbled on your site by browsing the berkeley blogs.

    It hurts doesn’t it? When although your relationship with a person evolves friends-dating-love-friends and then (in my case) to non-communication you feel that only your promises had meaning over the course of the entire thing. You don’t know why things are the way they are if even half of what they said was true. Every relationship has hiccups no matter what level it was at and it’s interesting how only one is left at a loss for why things changed so drastically.

    You write beautifully by the way.



    Peasprout Reply:

    @Alex the Photog, Yep, it hurts. And it would hurt far less if only I knew why.

    Thanks for the kind words. I shall now peruse your blog so i can have something pithier to say if I comment again in the future.


    Alex the Photog Reply:

    @Peasprout, I was reminiscing (spell check that) over the situation I eluded to in my last comment to you. I did get your letter on myspace by the way! I just totally forgot to respond to it.

    It’s odd how you can be in a great mood and then one little thing will trigger memories. Good and bad of course but the bad got to me with a bunch of “what ifs”. I hate those.



  3. what’s the plan, my good man? taking a road trip?!


  4. UCB Teddy says:

    i don’t know about “being good”, but i really wanted to see if they would jump. kinda disappointing that they left the roof top within the first 30 pages. but i guess it’d be a rather short book if they did jump in the first chapter huh.

    well, i’m halfway done, i’ll let you know how it goes.


  5. stelladoro says:

    i finally finished that Murakami book (took me a while!) . it’s really good. will move onto the ones you recommended now.

    sorry to hear that you’re still having such difficulties dealing with your feelings for Fizzy. would it be better if you don’t try to fight them?


  6. It is really hard after to “move on” after loving someone. I haven’t dated in almost 2 years because I still haven’t wholly (sp) gotten over the last guy. It’s stupid but my heart still seems to hold out some sadistic hope that it will all work out. I hope things do get better.


  7. Hi, I was running thru xanga ‘s posts. and your post really touched me in a deep ex broke up with me and picked someone else like last year.
    I ve tried dating others as well. but it didn’t feel right. and I still see him in everything.

    but what I m trying to say it. times shall heal everything.
    It ‘s hard to move on esp. when you still love that person. I m in the same situation. I still love him so much. but I don’t wanna hurt myself anymore.
    i tried not to think about it. when I feel sad. I let all my emotions drawn all over me. then I will be good the next time. and I can’t fully put myself into a new relationship yet. and this has been 2 years already . when I was about done moving on from him, he always come to me again.
    and when I was all about loving and giving . he told me he wasn’t sure and it was his fault … etc.

    and I can’t let this go on forever. I m tired. I m tired of letting someone come close to me again and again then leave me everytimes when we are good.
    so I m done with him.
    I love him still and i really worry I can’t love again.
    but I know I will and I believe I shall.
    and believe me
    things gonna be better. if it ‘s not. it is not the end yet.


  8. JULiERi_bOX says:

    “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to .. doesn’t mean that they don’t love you at all.”

    Love is something considered simple, yet complex. It is easy to tell someone you love them, but what is difficult is putting your whole heart into your words. And that’s what you did. You fell in love .. but sometimes, love doesn’t always have the outcome we want it to. It’s okay to move on .. maybe you’re not really feeling like you’re cheating on her when you’re with another girl. That love will always be there .. love is eternal. I think that’s the thing that’s holding you back. But somewhere in there … there is an amount of love that’s still waiting to be found.

    .. Just my personal opinion.


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