My Fake Plastic Girl

By , February 27, 2010

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

For the most part, I’ve not read any of my old blogs since I wrote them, but as I move each one from the old url to this new one, I am more or less forced to do so while fixing links, updating the format, categorizing, tagging, summarizing and so forth. It is not easy. Sometimes I’m more than a little chagrined by the less than gripping writing or the trite choices of topics, but the hardest ones to reread are those like the Dreaming post. Reading that again evoked a complicated mixture of emotions within me, from the bittersweet to the embarrassing, and for more reasons than I can list, I want to travel back into time and smack myself over the head.

I was so unabashedly open about how in love I was. Which is fine, except that I can’t help but feel foolish in retrospect that I was going on and on about how wonderful our love was, and how amazing she was, when it was all a big joke at my expense. It isn’t as if she became a different person the day she up and disappeared; she was always that person and I was too blinded by love to see it. I realize that now, and so I look back at what I wrote I can’t help but feel awfully stupid.

The saddest thing I ever did see
Was a woodpecker peckin’ at a plastic tree.
He looks at me, and “Friend,” says he,

“Things ain’t as sweet as they used to be.”

I think the crux of what I feel when revisiting the old entries stems from the fact that I know what is to come. Just as each time I reread The Great Gatsby, I futilely hope for a happy ending, yet know all along that Gatsby is going to die, no amount of hindsight can change what I know came next in my life. If I could rewrite history by rewriting those old journal entries– if only it were that easy– I would do just that. Gone would be gushy blogs about true and perfect loves with best friends. No more would be the maudlin posts about future weddings, nor would there be any extolling the virtues of dream girls, and there most definitely would be none of these. In their place, I would write of my fake plastic girl: emotionless, selfish, dishonest, and uncaring.

If it seems like I still care, I don’t. If it seems like I am still hung up on her, I’m not. I’m past it all, and I’m again ensconced in a happy, productive life in which I am the master of my own heart and destiny. I wrote this in part because the old blogs have dredged up memories which seemed worth exploring, but mostly because amidst all the previous blogs devoted to my love for her, and later those of heartbreak for losing her, there needed to be at least one entry here that named her for what she really was– my fake plastic love.

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7 Responses to “My Fake Plastic Girl”

  1. well that’s a bitch-slap of a blog entry if ever i saw one. mostly as it wasn’t *meant* to be mean.
    here’s to wisdom and life lessons. may your ossified heart strengthen and find a truer love.
    BAM. now instead of maudlin blog entries, you can have maudlin comments. mwahaha.

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  2. Hank says:

    IF only we could go back in time.
    But alas we are left in the present, and we can only prevent the same thing from happening in our future.
    ahh life lessons are a son of a bitch.

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  3. Idle Beth says:

    Well done! Unless she is a total sociopath she has to live with how she treated you, which is the best you can hope for. Thanks for sharing this. Everyone has cringe-worthy moments in their past but not everyone is brave enough to share.

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  4. wingb34 says:

    Hey new web site..Cool…=)
    Now I’m inspired to work on a new site for myself too..

    Hope you are doing well, take care.

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  5. wingb34 says:

    aww..thanks!
    give us some update will ya?

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  6. GoddessKika says:

    There are certain times a year when I look back at my old posts and feel exactly how you feel, but I can honestly say that without those experiences I would not be where I am today and with the emotional maturity I have now. Everything happens for a reason, even when it sucks. ;-)

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  7. Ashli says:

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing!! But hey, we live through all that we live through only to come out the other end and learn and grow as a person. Say you could go back and re-write what happened as easy as editing your entries..would you really want that? Would you want to give up the person that you have become for the sake of doing a few things differently? Because I know and I’m sure you know, I think your a switched on guy, that if things were different, you would be different. Sometimes in life we think we want to go back but generally thats just because we haven’t come out the other side yet..

    wow why am i being so lame tonight??

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